


Bumpit

by orphan_account



Category: AFI
Genre: Davey is pale, Davey's incredible stylistic choices called not question, Did I mention Davey is pale?, Fanfiction satire, Jersey Shore, M/M, crash love era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:10:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Davey worries that the only reason Jade loves him is for his pallid complexion, so he decides to get a tan ala Jersey Shore. Then they proceed to have sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bumpit

**Author's Note:**

> One day, I was reading the first fanfiction I ever wrote, at age thirteen. It consisted almost entirely of long, verbose run on sentences prattling on and on about how pale Davey is, punctuated by Jade’s unfaltering appreciation for Davey’s resemblance to a snowdrift. I promised that I was going to write this story, but then I did. It’s pure, pure crack. I don’t own Davey, Jade, or Jersey Shore. In fact, I’ve never actually seen an episode of Jersey Shore, so this might be completely inaccurate. This never happened, thank Moz.

On this particular Post Coital evening, Davey looked like a greek statue. Only instead of a grape leaf obscuring his dick he had his laptop. Jade, on the other hand, was pretty exposed, laying spread eagle in his own bed absentmindedly fondling his recently spent junk and staring slack jawed at his TV. Davey kept on laughing next to him like an old man, too loud and with plenty of throaty guffaws. 

“Will you take your headphones out dude? Your laugh is fucking earsplitting.” Jade told Davey for the second time, seeing as Davey didn’t hear him the first because of said headphones. 

“I wouldn’t have to blast my music if you didn’t have the TV so goddamn loud,” Davey complained half assedly. It was a known fact Davey loathed the TV, so Jade poked infectious materials into this already sore wound by watching really mind-numbing tasteless reality television whenever he could do so in front of Davey. Currently, Davey was attempting to drown out the tail end of a Jersey Shore marathon with Megadeth’s Countdown to Extinction on repeat. 

“I honestly cannot believe you’re watching that. You’re probably killing more braincells than if you drank a beer. It’s almost an edge break, Jade. For serious.” Davey snipped, glaring at the TV screen like it was a spiked punch bowl. His lip curled, brow raised. “Garbage, Jade. Garbage.” 

“I dunno, It makes me feel better about my life. At least I don’t call myself The Situation,” Jade drawled, still palming his soft dick like he didn’t even realize he was doing it. He would have probably stopped had he known, it wasn’t exactly sanitary to jerk oneself off to Jersey Shore. 

“Okay. Right. You’re totally right, The Playah Puget.” Davey made a big show of turning his volume up, but Jade yanked the earbuds out of his hand . “Aw come on, low blow, man.” Jade chuckled, rolling on his side to face Davey. 

“I’m just tellin’ it like it is.” 

“You should tune in with me brah,” Jade quipped, looking up eagerly. “You could get in touch with your Italian Heritage.”Davey made a face, gawking at Jade and Jade’s blatant nakedness. “Please! You’re a horrible disgusting person, why do I sleep with you?” 

Jade was about to start _consciously_ groping his junk and waggling his eyebrows when Davey bust out laughing again, snorting through a hand he clapped over his mouth. “This is total gold,” He sputtered. 

“What’s so funny?” Jade asked, shuffling closer so he could peer over his shoulder and narrow his eyes at the screen, which Davey was trying to tear it away from him and obscure with his palms. Jade squinted, trying to pull Davey’s hands off. “What are you...are you reading _fan fiction_?” Jade yelled, finally realizing Davey had a word document open, probably a saved collection of his favorite bad fics he’d pulled off of fandomination.net when it still existed. This was a common pastime of Davey’s, so common he actually had a folder of documents saved on his hard drive entitled ‘gay pornz’. Jade hiccuped as he laughed. “Talk about _quality entertainment,_ Dave. You really might have me beat, here.” 

“It’s undeniably hilarious to read about paper mache versions of ourselves exhibiting a whopping two personality traits and boning in explicit, albeit anatomically impossible detail,” Davey said with a cheeky grin. “I don’t see how watching spray tans and drunk Guidos fight is at all comparable.” 

“Boning in detail, huh?” Jade mumbled, deciding to ignore Davey’s jab at Jersey Shore and reaching under Davey’s laptop for something. When his fist closed around this something, Davey jumped a little, looking offended and slapping Jade’s shoulder. 

“Jesus, Energizer Bunny. I know all you have to do is lie there, but I actually have to thrust and shit. Give me awhile to recover, will you?” Davey said snarkily, elbowing Jade away. “Cockslut.” He added for emphasis, coupling it with a stupid smile Jade rolled his eyes at. 

“So do elaborate on the two personality traits we possess in these stories.” Jade asked, settling back down next to Davey without removing his hand from its suggestive placement on his upper thigh. “Well,” Davey started, leaning back. “Aside from our roles in the band, we’re both straightedge. From birth, actually.” 

“Huh, so no one knows about my drunken high school days?” Jade asked, musing. Davey shook his head, adding a “Oh hell no. If only they knew about the time you puked on my mom.” 

 

“Which I incidentally don’t remember,” Jade scoffed. “So we’re edge from birth and...” He added, not allowing Davey to chime in with his token _you don’t remember because you were drunk!_ Unfortunately Jade did remember this specific incident, he just chose not to dwell on it too frequently. It wasn’t one of his finer moments, stumbling across the Marchand’s living room drunk as hell and probably pretty stoned too, choosing Davey’s _mom_ of all people to lean over and ask for a trash can to puke in. Of course, Penny didn’t provide a trash can in time, and Jade ended up losing the entire contents of his stomach onto her lap. As previously stated, not one of his finer moments. 

“You are fluent in Northern California slang, which in fan fiction world is actually just the word “hella” because most of them are from the midwest. You’re also hopelessly, often suicidally in love with me.” Davey said the last part smugly, half-smiling at Jade, who squeezed his thigh gently. 

“They got one of those right. Hella right.” Jade thought he was really funny. Davey just coughed disdainfully at him, nose wrinkled. “And me...I’m pale. That’s pretty much my only important feature. Realistically, 97 percent of these stories are actually grand descriptions of me and my pallid skin tone descending various staircases as poor mortal peons such as yourself watch hopelessly.” Davey declared, looking pleased with himself.

“That’s why you like to read them.” 

“There are so many synonyms for pale, too. The favorite is alabaster, but I’ve also seen milky, snowy, pallid, creamy ivory, pearly, wan, near translucent, porcelain, bloodless, white...and then there’s the less attractive ones. Peaky, sallow. I try to forget those.” Davey listed these things in a faintly amused fashion, but Jade was sort of horrified. Davey was...Davey was Italian. He may have gone through a phase that involved white face paint and powder make up, sure, but first of that was like ten years ago, and second of all Davey WASN’T PALE. Not in actuality, anyway. 

“Pearly? Serious?” Jade snorted. 

“Yes, _dead_ serious. They take my unblemished and borderline vampiric skin tone very seriously. In fact the only reason you ever love me in these stories is because I’m snowy white and have glorious, shiny, black-hole reminiscent raven hair.” Davey said, dramatically raking a hand through his very average colored, mousy brown hair which was currently untrimmed, out of control, and a little dirty. Not to mention standing up in the back from Jade’s insistent pulling and worrying. 

“They’re right, you know,” Jade said very seriously, finally deciding that he couldn’t stand another second of Jersey Shore and shutting it off, directing his full attention to Davey. “I only allow you to fuck me senselessly into the mattress because you’re pale. They’re onto me, these fan fiction writers. I have this weird malnourishment kink, and it has caused me to be madly in love with you.” 

“It’s a good thing I’m the exact shade of a freshly fallen, pure Virginia snowdrift, then isn’t it?” Davey countered back, dead pan. Then Jade’s hand was grabbing at his dick again, and Davey mumbled a fond “cockslut.” Before his mouth was covered and silenced. 

~*~

Jade had entirely forgotten about the subject of Davey’s milky whiteness. He had also entirely forgotten about Jersey Shore, and Davey’s evident distaste for it. That was why Jade was shocked to utter silence when he showed up on Davey’s doorstep a few days later, and was greeted by a radically different person than the one he’d expected to see. It was Davey. Except it wasn’t Davey. 

It was Davey with possibly three gallons of hair gel in his hair, making the already gravity defying Moz do’s normal ten feet into a whopping fifteen. It wasn’t just the hair, though. Davey was wearing this hideous, blingtastic gold and rhinestone inverted cross necklace, which was clearly visible on his chest, because his chest was clearly visible because he was wearing one of his white button up shirts, except it was buttoned _down_. Nearly to his naval. 

Most disturbing of all, however, was that Davey’s milky, snowy, pallid, creamy ivory, pearly, wan, near translucent, porcelain, bloodless, white, ALABASTER skin was a greased up, glowing, bordering on sunset inspired _BRONZE._ For whatever reason, Davey Havok had mysteriously gotten a spray tan or ten or twelve, making him the exact shade of a post card from the Grand Canyon. Jade was gawking, only now noticing the mysterious plastic apparatus wedged in Davey’s gelled, fifteen foot skyscraper disguised as hair. Jade had watched enough Jersey Shore to know that this was a bump it. 

“What. The hell. Did you do to yourself?” Jade breathed, dropping his car keys suddenly. Davey was smirking triumphantly at him, a cocky smile on his lips. “In order to ensure that you really loved me for me and not for my paleness, I fake baked, got a spray tan, and then used around ten bottles of that self-tanning lotion. It smells vile, can you smell it?” Davey asked, holding his BRONZE wrist up to his nose and inhaling. Somehow, Jade managed to make it inside the house, shutting the door behind him hastily to prevent the neighbors from seeing how fucking crazy Davey had gone. 

“You fake baked? Are you sure tanning beds are vegan?” Jade said weakly, thinking vaguely about the notion of cooking meat and how that potentially related to this. He kept on noticing minute, terrifying details, such as the way Davey’s white shirt was stained in places from the self-tanning oil, making him look like he’d just rolled in dust or something. Jade knew he was staring, but he couldn’t stop. 

“Of course it’s vegan. It’s debatably humane though, I feared for my life.” Davey’s wrist was still as limp as ever, and Jade wondered if there were any gay guidos on Jersey Shore. He doubted it. “Dave, why are you wearing a bump it?” He blurted. 

Davey touched his bump it, self consciously caressing it like it was a part of his body Jade had just insulted. “I google searched “Jersey Store Stylistic Tips” and all the websites said bump its were an absolute _must_.” He declared, standing with his hip popped out, fingering the godawful upside-down cross charm affectionately. He had gone quite officially insane. There was no other explanation, Jade decided. Davey had literally just plummeted off the deep end. 

“Dave. For _girls._ Bumpits are for girls to put in their hair to give it the illusion of volume. You don’t have hair to _bump!_ ” Jade announced, holding his hands up and clutching them in his own, decidedly gel free hair as an expression of utter horror. He was about to slowly sidestep into the kitchen, grab the phone, and call 911 to report a case of sudden insanity when Davey asked him quite bluntly, “Bumpit aside, How do I look?” 

Jade balked for a few seconds, thinking of all the times he’d jerked it to Davey’s image. Davey’s pale, perfect face. “Quite honestly? You look like complete shit,” he admitted.   
Davey nodded curtly, still smirking. “Do you still love me?” He asked then, putting his bronzed hands on his waist, causing two orange handprints to appear on his now obviously ruined white shirt. 

“Of course I still love you! I just think you’re suffering from temporary insanity and need to be institutionalized and possibly medicated, but I still love you,” Jade explained frantically, beginning to pace and fisting his cell phone out of his pocket when he realized that Davey was still wearing the stupid plastic in his hair. “Oh my god, Dave! The Bumpit!” Jade yelled, striding meaningfully over to Davey (who smelled positively _toxic_ ,) and plucking the stupid cheaply manufactured piece of shit off the top of Davey’s head. 

Davey took the breach in Jade’s composure to grab his wrists, clutching their narrow, bony circumference and forcing Jade’s arms to his side. As he did this, he leaned in close and caught Jades’ mouth with his own, fitting the slants together and forcing his tongue inside. Jade, for all his horror and insults, let him do it for awhile, not exactly kissing back but allowing his mouth to be plundered mercilessly by Davey. He was dizzy with the tanning oil smell, stumbling awkwardly somewhere and letting himself be directed around. 

Before he knew it, the backs of his knees were against the foot of Davey’s bed for a split second before he was flat on his back, Davey’s heavy, foul-smelling weight on top of and crushing him. He was kissing back at this point, wondering distantly how the fuck they managed to get up the stairs in that alarmingly dismal amount of time with their mouths sealed like that. 

He didn’t have much time to contemplate this, however, because Davey was pulling away, making Jade’s eyes snap open in alarm and loss of contact. No matter how tan and oily and gelled Davey was right now, he was still warm and smooth, and he still tasted wonderful, and Jade hadn’t been lying when he said he was still loved him, new look aside. 

Davey was straddling Jade, sitting back on his haunches as he undid the two remaining buttons of his shirt, finally revealing the glowing bronze chest in full. The heart inked there was almost exactly the same color as the surrounding flesh. Jade’s mouth fell open, aghast. “You look like...you look like _Arnold schwarzenegger_! It’s absolutely fucking _awful_.” Jade said miserably, his own hands betraying him and sliding up Davey’s chest deceitfully, palms wide and fingers splayed. Davey ignored him, purring gently through his teeth as he pushed Jade down, fixing his mouth to Jade’s newly exposed stomach as he pulled his shirt up, tonguing his naval and leaving a smudge or orange where his cheek ghosted across the pale skin of Jade’s abdomen. 

“Can I call you Snookie, or will that be too weird?” Davey hissed, letting his front teeth graze lower, just above the waistband of Jade’s jeans. Jade’s jeans which, despite his aversion to Conan the Barbarian, were mysteriously tighter the lower Davey went. He cursed as Davey undressed him, his hands coming to tangle in the rock hard chunks of his thoroughly gel infused hair. Before Jade could forbid the mere utterance of the word Snookie, Davey had shimmied his jeans and boxers off his hips, and had begun sloppily sucking Jade’s half hard dick to its full potential. 

Jade gave up then, letting it happen. He figured that the breaks were officially broken, and it was all downhill until the inevitable fiery, fatal crash so he might as well just stop fighting and get an excellent blowjob out of it. Davey’s new tan hadn’t impaired his stellar dick sucking qualities, so Jade relaxed, angling himself for better access to Davey’s illegally wet mouth and pulling his knees to his chest. 

Of course, Davey took this opportunity to lick Jade’s ass. He usually did. And of course, Jade was a panting mess because of it, wiggling around and letting these weak moans escape from his lips in spite of himself, rounding his back so Davey’s tongue could push deeper inside of him. 

Davey didn’t stop there. His tongue was followed by his fingers, and Jade tried desperately to banish the image of Davey’s newly bronze digits forcing themselves inside his asshole. It was easier than expected, though, because that mental picture was replaced abruptly by the very real life picture of Davey’t newly bronze _face_ looming over Jade, lip chewed in concentration and eyes dark with lust. Jade wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn’t. His dick stayed hard, leaking all over his own heaving stomach as Davey’s orange spray tan fingers were replaced by his, god forbid, orange spray tan dick. 

Jade groaned unguardedly as it slammed into him, mouth silenced by Davey’s wet and hungry and almost biting kisses. Jade hooked his legs behind Davey’s shiny, bronzed back, hands sliding all over his shoulders as he tried to get a good grip. It was pretty fruitless; Davey’s skin was so slick and well oiled Jade just couldn’t hold on, and he had to settle for gripping fistfuls of that disgusting hair and gritting his teeth, letting himself be fucked into the mattress. 

Tanning oil and cloying inorganic scent aside, it was pretty good. Especially when Davey’s hand moved between them to grip around the base of Jade’s twitching cock, jacking him relentlessly. Jade’s last coherent thought was: _If that bronzer shit is getting all over the bed sheets, which it is, then it’s certainly getting all over me, and my asshole, and most horrifyingly, my dick._ The feeling of Davey’s strong, working fist coupled with the occasional slide of his thumb against the head of Jade’s cock was pretty successful at forcing all coherent thoughts out, however, and this particular one wasn’t lingering. Jade was coming hard then, jizzing all over his own chest and incidentally Davey’s, creating a sticky, sweaty, self tanner mess between them as Davey slammed into him a few more times, breaking his already strangled moan as he pressed his mouth to Jade’s shoulder, leaving a bronze kiss mark there that Jade almost thought was cute. 

~*~

“Oh my god, you just had a nocturnal emission!” Davey announced at full volume, startling Jade cruelly out of his sleep. Jade flailed to a fully awake state, sitting bolt up right and sweating bullets, his hair awry and and heart pounding like he’d just exited a step aerobics class. He panted, his left arm shooting out dramatically and hitting Davey in the chest. “What?!” he said, panicked. He knew he should be extraordinarily disturbed about something, but he couldn’t remember exactly what. Snippets were coming back to him, however. Isolated images, like a gold inverted cross and smudges of orange on white sheets. “No I didn’t.” 

“You most certainly did. I watched you writhe around and sweat and moan for like, five whole minutes until you finally came all over the bed. It was really fucking hot, actually,” Davey said, an affectionate and admiring note to his voice. Then It hit Jade. 

Davey. Davey the Guido. 

“Oh my god!” Jade shouted, hoarse and horrified. “It wasn’t a wet dream, it was a nightmare!” He held his face in his hands, making sure all of him was still there and hadn’t been consumed by the overwhelming smell of self-tanner choking all the life from him. 

“This begs to differ,” Davey stated, reaching into the sheets and slicking a pool of sticky warmth up Jade’s chest, proving his point. Holy Shit. Jade came to Dream Guido Davey. He pictured orange Davey fucking him, orange Davey’s orange hands holding his own narrow shoulders to the bed. His stomach was icy with fear. _Davey_. Jade rolled abruptly onto his side, hands flying frantically to rake all over Davey’s face and ribs, searching for anything _bronze._ Jade held his breath until he was absolutely positive that Davey was his usual milky, snowy, pallid, creamy ivory, pearly, wan, near translucent, porcelain, bloodless, white, alabaster self. He was. Jade breathed a sigh of relief and kissed Davey roughly. “God, I’m so relieved,” he mumbled. 

“What’s gotten into you? What the fuck did you dream about?” Davey said, alarmed. Jade’s eyes adjusted to the dark, glad that Davey was almost exactly the same shade as the sheets he was tangled in. It wasn’t as if Davey’s actual skin color was important to him, skin color might as well be completely nonexistent in Jade’s book. No, it was the bump it that was haunting Jade. 

“I had the worst dream,” Jade finally said, collapsing backwards on the bed and carding a hand through his own hair. “You went to a tanning bed, and gelled your hair, and got all Jersey Shore,” He explained. Davey wrinkled his nose. 

“Fuck dude, that show really is lowering your brain cell count. It’s also infiltrating your subconscious, clearly a bad sign. A tanning bed, though?! You’re right it was a nightmare. I don’t think those things are vegan.” Davey had a comforting hand on Jade’s sternum, thumb absentmindedly tracing his collarbone in this sweet, calming fashion. Jade sighed. 

“That wasn’t even the worst of it...you were wearing a _bumpit_! And you wanted to call me Snookie. And you fucked me.” Jade listed these things with various degrees of disgust placed on the words.   
Davey stared at him, brow furrowed under his decidedly fuzzy, mussed, and un-gelled hair. “What’s a Snookie? Is that one of those blanket things with arms?” Davey asked, displaying his never ending lack of knowledge concerning pop culture brilliantly.   
Jade smiled. “That’s a Snuggie. Snookie is the bumpit wearing girl from Jersey Shore.” 

“Oh no! Please tell me it wasn’t her you were jizzing over in your sleep,” Davey’s eyes were wide and glinting in the dark, and Jade couldn’t help but snort. “No, that was definitely all you. I got the bumpit off early in the dream and apparently wasn’t deterred by your tan, although I’m pretty sure I did draw a parallel between you and Arnold Schwarzenegger” Jade was getting up, heaving his tired legs to the floor so he could trump to the bathroom and wash the spunk off his dick before he crashed again. 

“Please tell me I’m better looking than him.” Davey begged, eyes already drooping and sleepy. Jade smiled dopily. “Duh. I just nocturnally emitted over you, right?”

“Point taken.” Davey agreed, stretching and yawning. “Go clean yourself off so we can sleep.” Jade obeyed, trotting off to the bathroom where he flicked on the lights automatically, squinting in the harsh florescence as he gathered handful of toilet paper. He got it wet in the sink, sighing laboriously as he wiped the half-dried mess from his stomach and ribs. 

It was only then that Jade realized there was a single, orange, sunset colored, Grand Canyon Inspired BRONZE hand print on his dick. He made an embarrassing yelping sound, which was followed by Davey’s concerned, “You okay Tiger?” 

Jade looked back down to his dick, squinting at it critically and determining whether or not he had just hallucinated. He had. He sighed, dropping his perfectly normal, unstained man jewels and flipping off the lights, returning to pine hopelessly after his snow white beauty. “Nothin’ Dave. Just a little residual nightmare.”


End file.
